Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
