My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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