So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
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I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
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Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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