I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
