My room smells like vodka and shame
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
