Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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