Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
