Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
