We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
