just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
