Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
