We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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