I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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