You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
