i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
