do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
