I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
