At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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