I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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