if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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