anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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