No awkward lesbian experiences without me
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
