this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
