I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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