small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
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my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
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You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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