Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
