Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I see more hoeing in ur future
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