why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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