Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
