i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
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i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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