We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
