who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
