i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
