she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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