it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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