my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
