Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
