oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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