Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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