the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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