There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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