The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
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just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
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I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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