if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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