The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
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How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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