Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
