At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
