so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
