There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
