She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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