enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
