You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
