watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
