where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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