Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
why do cheetos always look like penises
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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